Josh woke up yesterday morning and I wasn't in bed next to him. He figured that maybe I had fallen asleep downstairs watching a movie. However, when he walked back into the room he saw me asleep on the floor and then worried that he was in trouble.

In actuality, I walked in to the room the night before after Josh had gone to bed and looked at Pike's face and he looked so sad. I realized that we have been so busy with the new house and fixing things and working and taking care of my sister's little dog that we are babysitting that he has been a little neglected. (yes he is totally spoiled) I promptly got my pillow and a blanket and laid down on the floor next to his bed so he would know we still love him. He snuggled up next to me and we slept there all night.

Josh has decided that I can't say that I would be a bad mom.

I tend to not write on here often because I assume no one wants to hear the mundane, frustrating, normal goings on of my life but today I need a space to write my feelings of late and I decided that maybe cyberspace was that space. I can't offend or disappoint cyberspace, and it can't decide to end our association or say that I talk too much, so dear cyberspace this is for you. (and to anyone actually reading this isn't a rainbows and sunshine post, just real life and real feelings so i won't be offended if you aren't interested-maybe one day I will make a personal blog for my personal thoughts but tonight this is what I have to work with)

Being married is hard. Sometimes my husband and I fight, sometimes he makes me crazy and I him. The last two years of our lives have been hell. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my husband but I have had severe depression since we got married (kicked over the edge by going on birth control before we got married). It is literally miraculous that I am alive, I have had a lot of days full of suicide plans. I have spent months of my life curled in a ball on my couch not moving for hours on end. I have gained too much weight- due to the sitting on the couch for months. And now struggle to lose it as I start to regain control of my mind. My husband is amazing and has stood by me through all of this and loved me. Only recently have his own struggles come to light and presented me the opportunity to stand by him and love him as he fights his own demons. It is very hard thing but it made me realize that he is a wonderful man and we are blessed to be together, no one else could stand either of us.

We bought a house- it is an amazing house and everyday I am stressed about being able to afford it. It isn't expensive or elaborate and needs a ton of work done but I still worry.

Everyone around is having babies or has babies. I don't want a baby, which is pretty much a mortal sin being a member of a church that values so highly motherhood and families but I like my dogs. I don't trust myself to be a mom. So congrats to everyone else and please do the very best to let your children know everyday how much you love them and want them. I will leave the momming to you who are brave enough to do it. (This thought makes Josh sad. He would like to have kids one day but I would be happy to always just have my boxer babies.)

My "little" (he is 16 and 6 ft tall) brother is living with us. He really likes it here, that makes my heart happy. But I worry that we are not good enough to have him here. We don't go to church enough, we don't pray enough, we swear too much, and are too critical and judgemental. I hope that we can be better so he can become a good man. Maybe that is why I like dogs, I can't emotionally or mentally damage them.

Dear Cyberspace, thanks for listening. My heart is a little lighter which is saying a lot these days.

Morgan