Honesty and Real Life

I tend to not write on here often because I assume no one wants to hear the mundane, frustrating, normal goings on of my life but today I need a space to write my feelings of late and I decided that maybe cyberspace was that space. I can't offend or disappoint cyberspace, and it can't decide to end our association or say that I talk too much, so dear cyberspace this is for you. (and to anyone actually reading this isn't a rainbows and sunshine post, just real life and real feelings so i won't be offended if you aren't interested-maybe one day I will make a personal blog for my personal thoughts but tonight this is what I have to work with)

Being married is hard. Sometimes my husband and I fight, sometimes he makes me crazy and I him. The last two years of our lives have been hell. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my husband but I have had severe depression since we got married (kicked over the edge by going on birth control before we got married). It is literally miraculous that I am alive, I have had a lot of days full of suicide plans. I have spent months of my life curled in a ball on my couch not moving for hours on end. I have gained too much weight- due to the sitting on the couch for months. And now struggle to lose it as I start to regain control of my mind. My husband is amazing and has stood by me through all of this and loved me. Only recently have his own struggles come to light and presented me the opportunity to stand by him and love him as he fights his own demons. It is very hard thing but it made me realize that he is a wonderful man and we are blessed to be together, no one else could stand either of us.

We bought a house- it is an amazing house and everyday I am stressed about being able to afford it. It isn't expensive or elaborate and needs a ton of work done but I still worry.

Everyone around is having babies or has babies. I don't want a baby, which is pretty much a mortal sin being a member of a church that values so highly motherhood and families but I like my dogs. I don't trust myself to be a mom. So congrats to everyone else and please do the very best to let your children know everyday how much you love them and want them. I will leave the momming to you who are brave enough to do it. (This thought makes Josh sad. He would like to have kids one day but I would be happy to always just have my boxer babies.)

My "little" (he is 16 and 6 ft tall) brother is living with us. He really likes it here, that makes my heart happy. But I worry that we are not good enough to have him here. We don't go to church enough, we don't pray enough, we swear too much, and are too critical and judgemental. I hope that we can be better so he can become a good man. Maybe that is why I like dogs, I can't emotionally or mentally damage them.

Dear Cyberspace, thanks for listening. My heart is a little lighter which is saying a lot these days.



Charlotte said...

Just remember there are people out there who care about you, Morgan.

I won't go into too much detail here (email me- cgardunia@hotmail if you care for details-I'm happy to share) but our marriage has also been rocky, to say the least. After 6 years, I think we're finally figuring it out... and I mean in like the last 2 weeks we've had some heart to hearts and are figuring it out. We tend to go back and forth with depression- we swap who has it every few months. Suicidal thoughts aren't so much a mystery to us either. There have been other "demons" as well which have made our marriage, um, interesting.

I guess my point is that you're not as alone as you may think. Hang in there. I think everyone has to fight for their happiness in one way or another and, trust me, it's worth fighting for.